Asshole of the Year

New York, NY


This year, instead of going back through all the great things that have happened to me in 2011 (which was a lot), and talking about how much I love my family and friends, I'm taking a different course. I'm handing out my first-ever Asshole of the Year award.
Granted, there are many people who should receive this award. Politicians, religious nut jobs, that Barista at Starbucks who fucked up the milk to coffee ratio in my caramel macchiato last week. But one guy takes the cake and I don't even know his name.


A few months ago, I was flying from San Jose to Houston when a loud, boisterous Texan got on and placed his out-of-place in Silicon Valley cowboy hat in the overhead bin. A few minutes after, a solider in camouflage attempted to put his stuffed bag into the same overhead bin without realizing the other man's hat rested comfortably inside. His bag was big, but with some finagling, he could have made it fit. The Texan began to flip out.


"What are you some kind of damn idiot?" he asked with a twang that reeked of regional cultural insensitivity. The soldier said nothing, took his bag out and looked for another bin. The Texan continued, "You goddamned fool!" Reaching into the bin, he grabbed his hat, "Oh man, look what you did. You bent my damn hat!" The solider apologized and let it go. The Texan was steaming, "You are a fucking idiot man. I swear to god." Still, the soldier let it go.


At this point, I was pissed. Now I wouldn't say anything because I'm a pussy who hates confrontation, plus I was several pages into Sky Mall at that point, but the nerve of this asshole yelling at a soldier for mistakenly touching his cowboy hat was enough to make me mutter to my seat mate, "Well, this guy is a fucking asshole."


And so, whoever that Texan with the crumpled hat is, you sir are my asshole of the year. I hope your horse runs through a bramble of roses, gets thorns stuck in its under carriage and mistakenly thinks you're a mare - finally butt raping you with a thorny horse penis.


You'd deserve it.